The one with the guilt

Infertility does strange things to you.  It’s such a weird thing to go through.  I couldn’t even explain all the craziness.  Laced through all of it though, unfortunately, is guilt.

Some of the guilt is just crazy.  Many feel guilt because of what their body is not accomplishing.  Which is unfair because you can’t control that.

We feel guilt about our other emotions.  A lot of us are upset (to varying degrees) by others’ pregnancy announcements.  Many, many people have touched on this.  Hearing announcements, while we are likely thrilled for that person, reminds of what we still are struggling for, so it’s upsetting.  And then we feel guilty for feeling that way.

What I did not expect was to feel guilty about being pregnant.

I’ll be honest, though what we went through was a challenge, it was a drop in the bucket when compared to a lot of other stories of infertility.

I started this blog to connect with other women going through IVF so I could prepare myself for what it was, and get support during, and support others.  And it’s been amazing to have that during all of this.  There are some bloggers that I’ve become closer with, I consider them friends, even if I don’t know their real names and have never met.  Some of these women have been at this a lot longer than I have.  Some have to go through much more invasive procedures than I’ve dealt with.  Some don’t get as many embryos from a full IVF cycle as I did, and so they go through the whole shebang over and over, where I got to freeze some and try again with those (which is a much easier process to go through, physically at least).  Some have to stay on these crazy strict diets to try to improve their egg quality, and then it doesn’t even end up sticking.  Some have experienced one or more (and sometimes many) miscarriages.

Before we were diagnosed as infertile, when we were just a regular TTC couple, I would see pregnancy announcements and wonder “why not me?”  When was it going to be my turn?  Not that I wanted it to be me instead of them, just me also.  Now, I read about my friend who has decided to take a break from treatment because she can’t handle any more right now, and is breaking from blogging as well to try to better not focus on infertility in her life.  I read about my friend whose baby has a heartbeat but is not growing, she’s just waiting for the inevitable, while also hoping that something changes.  There’s a woman who was fostering a young girl for months, then was placed with her newborn sister, was picked by a birth mom for the adopting of a baby due in a few weeks; then the courts reunified the first newborn with the maternal grandmother, and the adoption birth mom changed her mind about adoption, and they gave up the little girl to the grandmother as well so as to not separate the sisters.  All in the space of about 3 weeks.  There’s the woman who has been through tragedy after tragedy, finally had a little success with an egg donor, had a transfer, and then ended up in the hospital with an unrelated issue and her treatment may or may not have caused her transfer to fail.  Now I find myself wondering “why me?  Why not her?”

As far as infertility goes, we’ve had it pretty damn easy.  And believe me, I am so grateful for that.  I’m grateful it was as easy as it was for us.  I’m beyond grateful for this little strawberry in my belly.  But I’m also so sad for the others.  I’m sad for what they’re going through still.  This community has been so wonderful, but I’m not sure where I fall anymore.  We’re not done with it completely.  When it comes time that we want to try for another child, in all likelihood, we’ll be going through this again.  So many women can’t even think that far ahead because one would be a complete miracle.  Everyone’s infertility issues are different.  It seems to be that we are lucky in that, while a challenge, it is absolutely possible that we will be able to have more children.

So where do I belong?  DH and I are still “infertile.”  But we’re also expecting.  I’m thrilled to “finally” be pregnant.  But I also feel guilty that I am after less than 2 full years of TTC.  Having these conflicting emotions about one thing, my pregnancy, is a strange place to be.

I just want all these women to get their babies already, no matter how they may come to be.

0079d155667365b9e983d65f595d254a

Advertisements

20 thoughts on “The one with the guilt

    1. They gave me hope when I was starting out too. They’re what I wanted to read about. But it’s a strange place once you’re here. Different than I expected. Obviously we’re over the moon. But I just didn’t expect the other not-positive feelings.

      Like

  1. This is so very true. It’s hard for me to see my best friend with her IVF baby. I find myself getting jealous because IVF “was so easy for her.” One and done. They’ll be transferring an embryo in a few months for baby number two. Meanwhile, I’m over here with only one embryo after 2 1/2 rounds of IVF. I can only imagine how it must feel to finally be pregnant. If I ever make it there, I think I’ll feel guilty every time I post an update or talk about it. Because, I know, somewhere out there, someone if silently suffering just like me. And my post will make them sad and jealous.

    I’m so happy for you and enjoy following your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much Karen. I’m so sorry you’re struggling (still). Your feelings are completely natural. Please don’t beat yourself up over them. That’s the thing with this, it makes you so much more aware of the struggles, whether or not you have a tough time with it. We have decided that when we announce to family and close friends, and then later when it ends up on fbook, our announcements will be infertility-sensitive. We will be telling about the fact that we did IVF. We will talk about those who are still waiting. I don’t want to be the source of pain for anyone. But I know that all I can do is try to soften the blow.

      I hope you get your baby, some way, some how, soon! ❤

      Like

  2. That’s a lovely post. I’ve also noticed that even within the infertility blog community there are so many different variations in terms of the reasons for the infertility, which and how many treatments a couple are prepared to do and then how their body will react to the hormones etc, not to mention whether they will then have miscarriages or a healthy pregnancy. I agree with Karen that I sometimes also get a little bit jealous of people who get pregnant the first round of IVF and even have embryos leftover! I’m delighted for them, anyone who has to go through IVF deserves success, it can just feel unfair. I wish IVF would work for everyone the first time round as it’s so emotionally and physically hard to get through each time! Wishing you all the best for the rest of your pregnancy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes! That’s the thing, I wish it would just work for everyone! But, like with anything else, everyone’s bodies are different and treatment affects them differently. We are very lucky that IVF was relatively easy for us. I just wish it was for everyone.
      Thank you! 🙂

      Like

  3. It’s you and not me because God meant this Baby for you at this time! It’s not our time yet. Our baby is out there, more than likely coming to us through foster care which definitely wasn’t our plan, but we don’t get to see the big picture on why God chose this path for us. We are so blessed to have this amazing community and I never want anyone else who gets their miracle to feel guilty because I’m still waiting. I am so happy for each and everyone of you that makes it to the other side and I want to keep following your stories and watch your cuties grow up so PLEASE keep blogging! You do belong here!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dawn you are one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. I agree with all that you said, but I can’t help the guilt. Because I just want this so much for you, and you’ve been at it for longer than you “should” be. No one should have to go through so much heartache in pursuit of this.

      I really appreciate you saying I still belong and that you want to see it. I know that many really struggle with it. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I definitely understand this sentiment… I think my biggest guilt thing is that I found out I was infertile before I ever TTC naturally, and knew I’d need donor eggs before I ever tried OE IVF. It seems like the vast majority of people go through those two processes before DE IVF, and I got to skip them. Sure, I had two DE failures, which was frustrating and baffling and sad, and obviously didn’t want to be going through any of this in the first place. But when I hear about people who TTC for years (sounds rough on the sex life), then do a dozen cycles of OE IVF (sounds rough on the ovaries), have miscarriages along the way, THEN realize they need DE… I feel like I had it pretty easy.

    ….not sure I ever said congrats to you, by the way. For some reason I haven’t been getting email notifications that you’ve been posting! So, belated congrats 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much!
      That’s the thing about this community, there are always people we know about who had it much worse. I guess, if nothing else, it helps us not feel sorry for ourselves, about the crap we’ve had to go through. Keeps us grateful.

      Like

  5. You are sweet to think of the ‘unsuccessful’ mummies during your happiness.
    Congratulations on your little bundle and please never feel guilty for what you have! No matter how ‘quick’ or ‘easy’ you fell pregnant you experienced the pain too. That’s the bit I hope you can forget now. Very best wishes xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Strangely enough, I hope I don’t forget. I really feel like it keeps us extra grateful. I feel like crap, physically, lately, but there’s not one part of me that’s not grateful to feel crappy. I know what it’s like to long for this crappy feeling. Thanks for your kind words. Wishing you all the very best in your journey as well! ❤

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s