Yesterday DH and I drove 2.5 hours to his aunt’s house so she could teach me how to make pickles. It was so fun, we had a great visit, and I came home with lots of yummy pickles. Before we left, we stopped at a local yummy bagel shop. While we were waiting, we were looking at the case of all the different bagels. I pointed out the poppy seed ones to DH. We smiled and talked about how our little baby was the size of just one of those tiny little poppy seeds. A tiny little speck. And I was happy. On the way home though, with nothing else to do, I checked for blog updates. I was waiting to hear about someone’s beta number. And I had a teeny meltdown in the car.
Rationally, I know that everyone is different, and you can’t compare the numbers. But I can’t help worry more that maybe my numbers are too low. I’ve gone back through some archived blogs of girls that have had super early miscarriages and chemical pregnancies. And honestly, my first beta, though over 100, is closer to those numbers (64, 89…) than to the numbers of the girls that are getting positive betas right now (162, 217…). I feel bad for even having these thoughts. It’s kind of like when we all talk about being upset by pregnancy announcements- it’s not that we aren’t happy for them, we’re just sad for us. With this, I am so ecstatic for these other girls, I’m hoping with everything in me that this is it for them and they finally get their babies (chances are that they’ll see this, please know that this is the truth, I’m so so so happy for you! <3). But it also magnifies my fears that my pregnancy isn’t going to last long, or that it’s just a chemical.
DH tried to talk me out of my worries. He said the number rose like it was supposed to, and we can’t compare because everyone’s bodies are different and produce hormones differently, and to just not think of it. I ended up in tears, because of course I can’t just not think of it. It just doesn’t work like that. It’s on my mind just about constantly. I’m thinking about my little poppy seed, but wondering if it’s actually there or if my body is playing a cruel trick on me, producing hCG for a poppy seed that isn’t really there.
Saturday feels like an eternity away. I’ve calculated. My numbers should be at least 1960 by Friday and at least 3920 by Sunday. So on Saturday, I should hear I’m somewhere between those numbers. But even that will only alleviate my fears slightly. If the numbers are good, they’ll schedule an ultrasound for a week or two later. I need to see that heartbeat. I don’t know if I’ve ever needed something so much in my life.