The one with the unnecessary comparisons

Yesterday DH and I drove 2.5 hours to his aunt’s house so she could teach me how to make pickles.  It was so fun, we had a great visit, and I came home with lots of yummy pickles.  Before we left, we stopped at a local yummy bagel shop.  While we were waiting, we were looking at the case of all the different bagels.  I pointed out the poppy seed ones to DH.  We smiled and talked about how our little baby was the size of just one of those tiny little poppy seeds.  A tiny little speck.  And I was happy.  On the way home though, with nothing else to do, I checked for blog updates.  I was waiting to hear about someone’s beta number.  And I had a teeny meltdown in the car.

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Rationally, I know that everyone is different, and you can’t compare the numbers.  But I can’t help worry more that maybe my numbers are too low.  I’ve gone back through some archived blogs of girls that have had super early miscarriages and chemical pregnancies.  And honestly, my first beta, though over 100, is closer to those numbers (64, 89…) than to the numbers of the girls that are getting positive betas right now (162, 217…).  I feel bad for even having these thoughts.  It’s kind of like when we all talk about being upset by pregnancy announcements- it’s not that we aren’t happy for them, we’re just sad for us.  With this, I am so ecstatic for these other girls, I’m hoping with everything in me that this is it for them and they finally get their babies (chances are that they’ll see this, please know that this is the truth, I’m so so so happy for you! <3).  But it also magnifies my fears that my pregnancy isn’t going to last long, or that it’s just a chemical.88a9284b3c01603f18314d03a96633c7

DH tried to talk me out of my worries.  He said the number rose like it was supposed to, and we can’t compare because everyone’s bodies are different and produce hormones differently, and to just not think of it.  I ended up in tears, because of course I can’t just not think of it.  It just doesn’t work like that.  It’s on my mind just about constantly.  I’m thinking about my little poppy seed, but wondering if it’s actually there or if my body is playing a cruel trick on me, producing hCG for a poppy seed that isn’t really there.

Saturday feels like an eternity away.  I’ve calculated.  My numbers should be at least 1960 by Friday and at least 3920 by Sunday.  So on Saturday, I should hear I’m somewhere between those numbers.  But even that will only alleviate my fears slightly.  If the numbers are good, they’ll schedule an ultrasound for a week or two later.  I need to see that heartbeat.  I don’t know if I’ve ever needed something so much in my life.d4211539fdf003ccfc0dca2c121cb82f

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28 thoughts on “The one with the unnecessary comparisons

    1. Thank you for understanding! I didn’t want to make you feel guilty for having good news, you’re entitled to it obviously, and I would never want to take away from that! But I figured you’d understand what I meant. You can’t help but worry. And be overly emotional, what with all the extra hormones. ❤ ❤ ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I absolutely understand, seriously. This infertility/IVF stuff is NOT for the faint of heart. We are bound to have mini break downs, even when things are going right, because we know they can go wrong so easily. I read back on my last pregnancy after you had mentioned it and ugh, such a horrible time. It’s no wonder we worry so much. BUT! Your numbers a rising properly, and you are PREGNANT! Enjoy it. (Easier said than done. I’ll try to do so myself as well <3)

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  1. I’m not going to tell you not to worry because I felt the exact same worry as you . What I will tell you is that your numbers DID rise like they are supposed to, and I have been following girls for years with numbers even lower than yours and they have gone on to have perfectly healthy babies. Have faith! Your husband is right! Sending positive vibes to you! xo

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  2. There really is no way not to worry honestly. This is one of the most awful points of the journey- waiting and overthinking. The fear you’re feeling is something I know all too well. Be good to yourself in this time because nothing anyone says will make it easier. It’ll just let you know that you have support. Of course it’s hard not to compare. It’s a game of numbers and our minds rationally think higher = better. Your numbers are rising beautifully but it will feel like an eternity until Saturday. Take it one day, one hour at a time if you need and acknowledge how strong you are through all of this. You can do it!

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    1. Thank you so much for your encouragement. It’s so nice to have others to lean on. I wish we could all get together sometimes. Everything you said is exactly how I feel. I’m getting a little teary-eyed at work reading these supportive messages. I so appreciate this little community.

      When is your transfer? Wednesday? I’m so excited for you, I can’t wait to hear!

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  3. Oh man I’m so sorry the stupid numbers have caused you grief. These blogs are a wonderful source of information but can cause anxiety when comparisons are made. I did the absolute same thing to myself when comparing our donors low follicle and egg number. It drove me crazy!. To be honest previously I had great numbers up to week 7.5 and then out of nowhere we miscarried. (That’s prob not helpful). Try not to compare.. The only thing that’s important is your pregnant! Sending much love and hope that you get to see a heartbeat soon xxx

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    1. Don’t be sorry! Seriously! I’m over the moon for you and your numbers, and I ABSOLUTELY don’t want to take away from that for you in ANY way! You know I’ve been following you for awhile. I’m so happy for you.
      But I know you get it. You can’t help but compare and worry. I so appreciate seeing others’ stories and getting and giving support. I didn’t post to make anyone feel bad, I hope that’s obvious, just trying to honestly vent my feelings/thoughts/worries. Because I knew I wasn’t the only one who’s had thoughts like this. And honestly I guess I just needed to hear I’m not the only one. Even though I knew it. 💜

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  4. Ugh the worrying and comparing is the worst. I completely understand how you feel. Just know that often there is no rhyme or reason to the numbers. We’re all different. I have high numbers this time but I also had great numbers the first time when I miscarried so that fear is still there. Also even though mine are high they didn’t always climb like how I calculated. I would think a number was bad even though the doctor was telling me it was great. It’s impossible not to worry or compare but just know it will get easier with each milestone and progression. Praying you get to see that heartbeat soon and that your worries lessen once you do.

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    1. Rationally, I know that every single body is different and our chemical makeup and how we produce hormones and everything is different so the comparison doesn’t even really mean anything. But emotionally, it’s harder to accept. I think after the hb, I might still be worried about miscarrying, but right now what I’m worried about is that it’s not even really there, you know? I think you’re right that it’ll get a little easier with every hurdle passed. Unfortunately, being in the infertility community teaches us far too much about what can go wrong, so even if it’s not going wrong for you, you’re still insanely worried that it will. Thanks for the encouragement!

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  5. I do. You’re right the emotional piece is impossible to turn off. Yeah ugh it’s so stressful. I agree that we know too much being in this community. Sometimes I just want to be naive to it all! Hoping this week goes fast for you but I know when you’re waiting for the next thing it always seems to drag. I’ll be thinking of you!

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  6. Oh darling, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling with those nasty little thoughts right now. But I totally know what’s it’s like to not be able to help comparing and only thinking the worst. From everything I know, having your numbers double the way they are supposed to is the BIGGEST positive, so just try to continue to focus on that until you get that magical moment of hearing the heartbeat. Like you said, it’s so hard not to focus on those examples of when the worst has unfortunately happened to others, but I can honestly tell you for as many of those instances out there, there are the exact opposite. I’ve read so many times on discussion boards where folks have started out with really low BETAS, we’re talking like 20’s and 30’s and have gone on to have healthy little ones… SO really, as hard as it is to remember, the number itself isn’t much important, its’ the progress. Praying for you dear and sending thoughts of strength!!

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    1. Thank you for this. I know it’s true, the numbers are so different depending on the person. Just can’t help but worry. I’m trying to just focus on the fact that it doubled like it was supposed to. I’m also focusing on the Ovia app, reading the developments every day. I calculated my due date online with one made specifically for IVF and according to that and the Ovia app, I am 5 weeks 1 day today. It’s talking about the baby’s neural tube so I’m hoping that it really will be late enough to see stuff when I have an US. I’m trying to keep myself believing that it’s really there. Only time will tell.

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  7. I read your comments on KLA’s blog about struggling with PIO injections, so I wanted to share what worked well for me.

    One thing I did that made a world of difference during PIO shots was using numbing cream and The Buzzy Bee!

    I just called my Doctor about the numbing cream and they wrote a prescription for it after I heard from someone that it seemed to really help them.

    For the Buzzy Bee, you go to Amazon you can buy it, it’s about $40 but it’s so worth it. It tricks your brain into focusing on the cold and the buzzing instead of the actual injection. There were times, if my husband did the shot well, that I honestly didn’t even feel it.

    Hope that these tricks help!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are too sweet! I looked into the buzzy bee before actually. But it’s not the shot that bothers me. I’m almost totally fine with the actual injection. What’s been bothering me is the surface of my skin around the whole area, and even down my hip. All the time, not just at injection time. Like when I pull on pants, when the fabric runs over my skin, it hurts. It’s really strange. The nurse said I could try Tylenol. We’ll see if it makes a difference. Thanks for your advice though!! 😘

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