The one with the doubt

The PIO shots still make me cry.  Not every night.  But enough to suck.  I’ve tried a few different things.  Of course I still ice the spot and warm the oil and all that.  But during the actual injection, I’ve tried envisioning a positive test, being pregnant, having the baby with me.  I’ve tried looking at newborn photography on my phone, maternity photography, funny kid videos.  Some of it is distracting, but not enough.  And I think it depends how emotional I happen to be that day.

Today I’m 8dp5dt.  Only 2 more sleeps until the all-important Beta.  I think I’m losing my mind.

I really have felt so positive about all this.  I mean, of course I worry that it won’t work, but in my mind, I envision it working.  I think about when I would tell my sisters and our families.  I’ve calculated that I would be 11 weeks when we go on vacation and figure that’s late enough to tell the family we’d be on vacation with.  Everything in my head assumes this works.  But I wanted some reassurance.

I had DH pick up some tests on his way home on Sunday (6dp5dt).  He got home and said “I thought you weren’t going to ‘waste money’ on these?”  I told him I was going crazy and just needed to see.  He said “That’s fine, but remember the timeline you showed me.  It’s too early to even tell until the beta anyway.  So don’t freak out.” Damn him and his logic.

This is what he was referring to:

5 DAY TRANSFER

Days past transfer	Embryo Development
1	The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
2	The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
3	The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
4	Implantation continues
5	Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetal cells begin to develop
6	Placenta cells secrete human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
7	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
8	Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
9	Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy on HPT

taken from here

But of course I did it anyway.  I have the internet, I know that women take tests before their betas all the time and get a positive.  So obviously it can be detected before then…

I tested Monday morning (7dp5dt).  I thought it’d be positive and we could have this wonderful little secret all day (we were going to my dad’s for a little cookout for Memorial Day).  But it wasn’t.  Not even a little bit.  DH just reminded me it was too soon to tell.  But I was extremely disappointed.

I was tired in the afternoon, probably from too much food, but I thought maybe, just maybe… well, you know.  So of course I tested again this morning.  Again, nothing.

I don’t think I want to see another negative tomorrow morning at 9dp5dt.  I’m going to think positive, but I’m glad I tested so I wouldn’t be in complete shock if the nurse calls on Thursday with a negative result.  I figure this way, I’m prepared for that.  And if it’s a positive, then I’ll get to be extra happy.  I know it’s still technically early.  But I can’t help thinking of all those positive tests posted online from now and earlier.

The thought that’s keeping me going is that there is no sign of AF.  I’m 13DPO today, and I usually spot on 9DPO, and by 11DPO for sure.  My luteal phase averages 11 days, and it’s never been longer than 13 days (since I’ve been keeping track for a little over a year).  This could just be because the IVF drugs are playing with my cycle.  But I’m going to hold out hope.