The one where I jinx it

I realized something the other day.  It’s March.  I could be having a baby one year from now.

At our follow-up, when Dr. V said she wanted us to do IVF, she said I should lose 15-20 pounds (I had already lost 5 because DH and I had just started weight watchers).  She also wanted DH to do another SA to compare numbers.  So we set up another follow-up for March 30th.  We’re chugging along, losing weight, slowly but surely, and DH has his SA scheduled for the 25th.  I assume our follow-up is to see how I’m doing with the weight loss.  She mentioned starting IVF in June.  If it really does happen then, and if (that’s a big, scary ‘if’) it works, then I could be having a baby one year from now.

Is it sort of weird to anyone else that even though we’re trying so hard to make this happen, the thought of it actually happening is still really terrifying?  It’s just so huge.  I know that, physically and stuff, I can take care of a baby.  I’ve been doing it in one way or another since I was 11.  But I’m pretty convinced that having one of your own is entirely different…

There are so many different trains of thought running through my head about it too.  And so many of them make me feel guilty for even thinking them, but part of me wants to justify them as valid thoughts, or as random thoughts that don’t necessarily mean anything. For instance:

• My insurance renews in October.  I haven’t checked with them, but I believe this means that the timing of my costs, as it pertains to my “yearly out of pocket maximum,” runs October 20-October 19.  Not January 1-December 31.  I’ll hit my total with all the IVF stuff, obviously, and there will be a deductible for actually giving birth in the hospital, and they won’t be in the same insurance year.  Which means it will cost us more.  I feel guilty for even having this thought, but obviously I need to, because I need to come up with that money.  Then I feel even more guilty because so many people pay soooooo much for IVF, and the amount we will need to come up with, while it is a good chunk of change, and will not be easy, it is pennies compared to what some of you are paying.  I am incredibly lucky that I work in Massachusetts, where there are insurance mandates about infertility treatments being covered by insurance.  So yeah.  Guilt.
• We go to Maine for vacation every summer.  This year, we are renting a house with some of my in-laws.  There’s this great restaurant in Kennebunk, called Tia’s Topside.  I discovered last summer that I LOVE their Mojitos.  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  Been dreaming about them all year, can’t wait to go back.  If I get pregnant in June, I can’t have any on vacation.  GUILT.  Why am I even thinking this??  Obviously I want a baby much more than a mojito.  So I tell myself, it’s just a random thought, it doesn’t mean anything.  Plus, it’s not like I’m not allowed to miss things I can’t have while pregnant.  But then I think, if the IVF cycle doesn’t work, I’m going to feel even more guilty about this thought, like I jinxed it…
• I want the cycle to work for the extremely selfish reason that I’m the oldest child in my family and I want to have the first grandchild.  I don’t even know why.  Guilt.
• If I’m brutally honest, I want a child’s birthday to be in a month where a birthday party can consist of a backyard BBQ.  We have a lot of summer birthdays in my family, so this is what I’m used to.  It’s easy.  My niece’s birthday is in January and her birthday parties consist of everyone inside the house.  This isn’t really an issue because my SIL and BIL have a house large enough to accommodate a lot of people.  But we don’t.  Dumb dumb dumb thoughts.  Did I just jinx my June cycle??  Again???

These are the random sorts of thoughts I have.

And did I jinx myself for realizing that March is 9 months from June?